Some time over night on November 24, I hit the coveted 2,000 follower mark on Mixer. I actually hadn’t been paying much attention to my follower count lately so I didn’t even know I was close. There wasn’t much buildup but my mind was still blown the next morning.
I dabbled in streaming in various places for a bit before committing to Mixer in 2017 and I’ve also been running a YouTube channel since 2013. When I started making content, I didn’t really know what I wanted to come from it. I just looked at a bunch of other creators I enjoyed and went “I want to say things these guys aren’t saying and I’ve always wanted to learn video editing so, why not?” My YouTube channel never had notable success (7 years on and it’s barely bigger than my Mixer channel) but I kept working at it because I enjoyed doing it but also, my small audience was devoted and engaged, to the point where indie devs started taking notice and offering me press codes. That continues to amaze me.
For many different reasons, I’ve always been shy, awkward and introverted. I’ve had friends, jobs and romantic relationships but none of them came to me as easy as for others. As I kept making more stuff, people started to notice a change in me outside of that. They started to say that I felt more confident, especially when speaking to groups or to people with authority. I never noticed this in myself before but I knew I had the content I made to thank for it. Even if it’s through a camera, you still talk to a crowd when you make stuff like this. This has only continued through my time as a streamer and even people who have only known me for that time, tell me I’m like a different person from when they first met me. Last week, I had to deliver an improv presentation to my entire company about a new initiative and several told me I nailed it. I have streaming and YouTube and all of you to thank for that.
Why is 2,000 a magic number on Mixer? Regulars will know that I now meet the minimum requirements to apply for partnership. So, is that my plan? Yes, but not right now. Not to rain on my own parade but a lot of the 2,000 (like 700+ of them) are the result of two contests I ran where following got you entries. 99.5% of those people have never tuned into a single stream and likely never will. The expectation when you get followers through a contest like that is that most are “zombies.” That skews the stats somewhat and Mixer will see the two abnormal spikes with the relatively stagnant concurrent viewer count and probably think that’s not a good fit. I wouldn’t blame them for that either. Even the biggest channels only have a fraction of their followers show up to most streams so this isn’t uncommon, even if the ratio’s a bit further off in my case. I have work to do to get more organic growth and while that’s happening slowly, it is happening and I would rather grow a great community slowly than a mediocre one quickly.
To my goals, partnership is about access. Even though tons of developers and PR firms are willing to work with small fish like me, many of them (even some smaller ones) won’t even give you a second glance if you don’t have “Partner” in your title. I don’t like it but it’s the way the business works. Getting partnership opens doors to more cool stuff and opportunities I can share with people but if I get it, I want to get it legit, through hard work, not through running contests and bribing people to give me their fleeting loyalty. I’ve said before that if I attain partnership, any money I raise with either get reinvested or more often, donated to charity. This isn’t about fame or money to me and never has been.
What I’ve also realized is that obtaining this organic growth isn’t going to happen by doing things the same way I have since 2017. I’ve always said that if I can’t grow playing what I want, then there’s no point in doing this. I’m not going to fake a smile and pretend to enjoy Fortnite just to juice my numbers, get partnership and have that audience vanish when I stop playing it. I pride myself on honesty and I’ll never change that. Growing as a variety creator is bloody hard, especially when you can’t stream during the day and while I’ve often seemed publicly discouraged and regularly have crises of confidence, it’s a challenge I’m still up for. However, I think I can do a better job at choosing what I stream out of the crazy variety of things I like.
I enjoy a lot of AAA games but streaming the new shiny doesn’t help you as a small channel. Most people go to the big dogs for that stuff. I have a burning passion for indie games and believe showcasing those are important but I can’t stream those all the time either as people often want to see a name they recognize when they’re browsing the channel list.
You may have seen me tease a couple of new initiatives I’ve been trying to launch for several months. I kept delaying these because other things largely unrelated to streaming kept getting in the way, then it was Extra Life time. I’m really hoping I can get these launched in December or January at the latest but rather than keep teasing them, I’m just going to explain them now.
The Deep Backlog I’ve played a lot of games but there are some glaring omissions that would make many a hardcore player’s jaw hit the floor. I not only want to stream myself filling those gaps but since some of these are considered classics, I think people might enjoy watching me play them for the first time.
This is the current and ever-evolving list of games for The Deep Backlog. I’ll be starting off with Super Mario 64 and Chrono Trigger but I’ve also developed a neat MixPlay system that will allow people with a certain channel level to spend sparks to vote up the game they’d like to see me tackle next. When I’m done the game I’m on, the one with the most votes is next. I’m not promising I’ll finish every game I start (especially if I end up not liking them) but since the community will help choose, you’ll hopefully be more interested in watching. I’m really excited about this!
More Gaming With the Community This means community in all respects, my friends, theSHED and more. I like single player stuff and will still be playing a lot of it but in having less time to game these days and devoting a lot of that to streaming, I haven’t been able to play as much stuff with people as I’d like and they’d like. I want to make a point of doing that more, not just when I’m streaming but definitely then too because everything’s better with friends. Mudda Russia, our ridiculous co-op Spintires series is going to be making a return (I mean come on, they’re releasing a Chernobyl DLC), we’re looking into cool ways to use Steam’s new remote two player feature for all kinds of stuff, I’m going to try to do more things like theSHED’s Nintendo Monday, Cruise Night and way more besides.
Gaming with friends is something I really enjoy and which got lost in the shuffle of trying to grow a channel when I have an otherwise busy life and that’s not what I wanted and it’s something I think can be a part of this as well.
Indie Showcase I still love indie games and get access to a lot of them but the live format Indie Showcase first impressions show wasn’t working. People weren’t interested and didn’t come out for it. A little while ago, I said I’d be taking the show to YouTube and it’s been doing alright there. I’m going to keep doing that but trying to up the show’s production quality a bit more. Certain big indie releases will still get their own streams and I have ideas for additional indie focused content I’d like to produce but that’s a ways down the road and I’ll talk about it then.
I’ve been terrible at promising timelines this year and not delivering on them so I won’t say exactly when these changes will happen but I am hoping to do it soon. Despite my slow growth and increasingly busy life, making content is still very important to me and it’s something I intend to keep finding time for.
More than anything though, I want to thank those of you who have believed in me and continue to do so. My incredible mods, the developers who have taken a chance on me, the amazing community at theSHED, the other streamers who have offered wisdom to me. But most of all, to those who show up for my streams time and time again, when you don’t know what I’ll be playing or if you’ll like it. Who watch my YouTube videos, listen to my fledgling podcast and engage me with thoughtful discussion on the topics I ramble about. Who keep offering encouragement and support when I’m down, frustrated and when my depression starts to get the better of me. Who have enabled me to raise over $17,100 and counting for the Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario through Extra Life over the last 9 years, an average of over $1,900 per year. Sharing cool things and experiences with my community and doing a little bit of good for the world are the driving factors behind why I make this stuff.
A content creator is nothing without their community and even if I had to give this all up tomorrow, the friendships and bonds this hobby has given me would make all the time, money and effort I’ve put into this worthwhile and then some. I don’t want a huge community, I want a good one and what we all share together is among the best things I could ask for. I may do the streams, make the videos, record the podcasts and whatever else but you’re the ones I do it all for and you are the ones helping me meet the goals I’m hardwired to be so focused on. I can’t properly express how much that means to me or how thankful I am.
Mixer is far from a perfect platform (more on that in a future post) and YouTube makes me want to rage quit it almost daily now but I don’t intend to jump ship on either and plan to keep on because you’ve shown me why it’s worth it and why it’s fulfilling in many aspects of my life. I started doing this stuff as a lark and the times I’ve thought of quitting, I see the void it would leave behind and how ingrained it’s become. You’ve all made that possible and I will be forever thankful for it.
There’s a lot to do and I’m not sure how to do it will yet but we keep pushing ahead and it’s onward and upward! Thank you for your support and stay tuned cause more cool things are coming.
I’ve been streaming on Mixer for about two and a half years now and plugging away at my YouTube channel for about six and a half (I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that one), plus poking at that podcast experiment of mine. While I still love making stuff, my growth has never been stellar and I’ve been suffering a plateau lately, at a time when many others seem to be thriving. While some of this is due to things beyond my control, I’ve also been trying to look more inward and figure out what I can do to improve. I’ve tried to change things up here and there and nothing’s really worked. Then I realized, why don’t I ask you all? You’re the ones I do this for after all.
I put out a simple, anonymous survey on Google Forms to try to get some feedback so I can figure out how to improve. Why anonymous? Firstly, I get that providing honest criticism of someone, even–or especially–if they’re a friend and even if they’re asked for it, is often not easy. Secondly, I wanted people who knew of me but either haven’t watched yet or don’t any more to also be able to have a voice. This obviously creates vectors for abuse (which a couple of idiots availed themselves of) but it also brought out the kind of brutal honesty I asked for. The survey consisted of a few multiple choice questions and two optional essay questions. I won’t be posting those answers to avoid risk of being identifying but I will address them broadly.
Even though I only got a little over 20 responses (after 2 clearly trolling ones were excluded), the insights I gained were fascinating and the comments were valuable. Thank you to all of you who took the time to help! I’m going to break down the results, discuss the comments generally and see what lessons can be taken for them. Will this get me out of the slump? Who knows, but it’s worth a try!
With that said, let’s dig in:
Question 1: Does Indie Showcase (first impressions of several new indie game releases) interest you?
The answer here is clear and this makes me happy as I really was hoping for it. Indie games are very important to me, especially as I find the AAA industry is putting out fewer and fewer titles that interest me. That you all largely want to see them too is great.
Question 2: Is Indie Showcase something you prefer to see live or is just on YouTube sufficient?
This one actually surprised me a bit but in a positive way. The majority opinion is that I should continue to do the show but not live. I see this is a positive because honestly, doing live impressions of several games in a row is exhausting and I find that the games at the end of a long Indie Showcase session end up getting worse commentary. Doing it on YouTube allows me to better pace myself and give each game the quality of coverage it deserves.
Would you all want me to continue the segments the way I do (maximum of one hour per game with my face cam) or should I change that formula up too? Leave a comment and let me know!
Question 3: Do streams of retro titles interest you?
I’m glad the majority voted yes, though I was hoping for a stronger yes. This is something I plan to do regardless and I am thinking of a cool way to involve you all in the process of choosing what I play. More details soon!
Question 4: Do you care if I’m regularly streaming new major releases?
This one honestly makes me really happy. Many people will say playing what’s in the zeitgeist is a sure way to get more viewers but in my experience, that’s just not true. I’m glad that you all don’t think it’s important for me to be playing what’s new all the time. That’s not to say I won’t be playing new releases when I have strong interest in them (I’ve already booked three days off work for the release of Cyberpunk 2077) but I’m glad it won’t impact whether most of you watch.
Question 5: If I start playing a game on stream, should I finish it on stream?
This one I’ve struggled with personally for some time. I have a weird compulsion to finish what I start (hence why I finish almost every game I play) and that often extends into my streams. I’ve put off finishing games I really liked for months because I couldn’t find time to squeeze them into my streaming schedule but felt I was letting people down if they didn’t get to see the whole thing. Spider-Man was a perfect example of this.
While the majority of you don’t appear to care whether I finish a game on stream or not, almost a third of you do. It’s going to be tricky to find a balance there but maybe it will come naturally. I probably should have attached a conditional question for people who clicked Yes that asked if they just wanted to make sure they saw the ending on stream or the entire game. Feel free to drop a comment and let me know your preference.
Question 6: Do I spend too much time talking over the games I’m streaming?
Well, the answer here is pretty definitive. I’m acutely aware of how verbose I tend to be. It’s a symptom of both my ADHD and my anxiety. While it’s something I’m working on, at the same time, talking is a big part of a streamer’s job so finding a balance is key. I still need to learn to shut up during cutscenes but I’m glad most of you enjoy my verbosity.
Question 7: Is my voice too loud or “booming” for your taste?
Speaking of definitive. In addition to being verbose, I have a voice that carries. I watch a lot of streamers who are more soft spoken and often feel that I come across as too overbearing in the nature of how I speak on stream, even though I use VoiceMeeter to apply compression. I still think I can better refine my speaking style but this answer makes me feel a lot less self-conscious about my cadence.
Question 8: Is my current schedule (Tues./Thurs. @ 7:30pm ET, Sat. @ 1pm ET) a good fit for you?
Oh myyyyyyy. This one’s really tough. I would love to be able to stream more during the day. I know a lot of my viewers are from Europe and that makes it hard to watch on my normal schedule, plus the few times I’ve streamed during the day have just been a boon to viewership in general. However, the schedule requirements of a full-time day job don’t allow me much flexibility on that. At one point, there was talk about instituing shifts at my work and I was going to volunteer for a later shift at least a couple of days a week to try this out but that idea seems to have fizzled.
Once again, I should have put a conditional question on this, asking those who chose No what their preferences were. Leave a comment and let me know if you’d like.
Question 9: Would a show of casual interviews with game developers and other industry types interest you?
Many of you probably don’t know but I once had a short-lived series on YouTube called Behind the Games, where I had casual conversations with indie game developers about their games but more about their journey to and through game development. It shared similarities to theSHED’s POWER HOURbut was more focused on the developers themselves.
I’ve always wanted to bring this show back but in a live format where the audience could also participate in the conversation. That interests almost two thirds of you and that’s awesome! I have no idea when this will happen and honestly, it’s probably a ways off but I’m excited to plan it more, now that I know you folks are into it.
Optional Question 1: Are there games or genres I’m not streaming that you’d like to see me stream?
Of those who answered this question and not with jokes or just a simple “No”, the responses were a mixed bag. Here are the specific games that people said I either should play or that they’ve liked seeing me play:
God of War
South Park: The Stick of Truth
Quite an eclectic mix there. I’ll be honest, while I enjoy Rocket League and think Paladins and Realm Royale are alright, I don’t know how much I’ll be streaming them because lots of other people already do and most people who tune into those streams want to see people play them at a high level, which I most certainly don’t. The occasional night of Rocket League with my community does interest me though so we could make that happen.
As for the single player stuff, I adore cool, solo games with good stories and worlds. People really dug God of War and I do intend to play more stuff like that, including doing my “death to humanity run” in Detroit: Become Human, as well as playing through Last of Us again before the sequel comes out early next year. I’ve already beaten South Park: The Stick of Truth but do have its sequel The Fractured But Whole on my backlog so we could certainly do that at some point too. Sorry to say but survival games like Rust just don’t interest me and I’m staying away from the newly reincarted Cube World until that dev fixes it.
Another respondant also wrote that they wished I was playing games with my friends more (I know who this person is but won’t be calling them out.) The plan this past month was to make doing exactly that a bigger part of my content but then my new PC nightmares happened, plus I had a number of other impediments to my plans. I promise that I haven’t forgotten about that and while this month is going to be focused a lot on getting my Extra Life stretch goals from last year done (more on that separately), that plan is going into full force after that. Mudda Russia will return!
Optional Question 2: Any additional feedback (good or bad) you have about my streams, content, presentation, schedule or anything else (brutal honesty is encouraged.)
An even more eclectic mix of responses came to this question, which is great! There were a few that were variants of “you’re doing great” and I just want to thank those of you for the compliments.
As for the critical comments, I’ll give a general phrasing of them and my thoughts:
Stream with viewers or friends more often – I couldn’t agree more and after Extra Life this year, I’ll be making a point of that.
Don’t keep repeating explanations of the game I’m playing every time someone asks – This is a good point. If you’ve been watching for a whole stream, I totally get how this can be annoying. I’m going to try to limit myself to just saying the game and I can answer more questions from there if asked.
Bring even more random variety into the mix, like the first game I ever bought on Steam or some random free-to-play MMO no one’s heard of – These are cool ideas. The catch-22 of course is that if one is trying to improve their viewership, picking a random free-to-play MMO probably isn’t going to get many people’s attention. That said, streaming is always more about the streamer than the game so maybe it doesn’t matter much? Certainly couldn’t hurt to try once in a while. I will say that my plans for tackling my backlog and retro titles will involve the community a lot more.
You’re too focused on growth/trying to make it big – I want to address this point because I can see why this is the perception. I am not trying to “make it big”, at least not in the sense this respondant may think. I don’t want to turn streaming into a job and don’t plan to abandon my successful IT career for it. I would like to attain partnership with Mixer but mostly for the access opportunities it brings and to be able to do more good. I’ve stated publicly several times that if and when I am able to make money on my content, anything I make will either get reinvested in said content or donated to charity. For that latter reason in particular, I am very driven to get myself to the point where I can do that.
Those who have known me for a while know that my personality is extremely goal oriented and that if I choose to get into something, I never do it half-assed. That’s just who I am and honestly, having goals is not a bad thing. I’m only able to stream two to three times a week right now and most of the days I’m not are spent doing other unrelated things that I’d have to do regardless or just chilling out to destress. Unfortunately, my current job is extremely demanding, plus I have my side business, a home I’m maintaining by myself (which is way more work than I thought), two pets, a new relationship and I’m trying to spend more time with my friends, which I already don’t do enough. Streaming is and will always be a hobby but it’s a hobby that’s important to me because of many benefits it brings outside of that, some of which are why I have the good job I have now.
A solution to this may be found in either changing or reducing my streaming schedule. I’m not sure right now but it’s something I’m thinking a lot about. I understand that you can’t please everyone and unfortunately, with this focus comes the potential alienation of some. I don’t take pleasure in the thought but I think my actions show that I do try to do a lot of things to benefit others and focusing on one’s own goals sometimes isn’t a negative either.
You’re too angry when you’re not streaming – This is honestly a source of frustration for me (ironic I know) because disregarding the number of frankly toxic personalities I see doing very well for themselves in this ecosystem, I just don’t agree that this is the reality. One respondant cited my recent saga with MSI and how much I tweeted about it. Another said I am driving friends away with my “insistence on being right on Twitter.” I don’t have an insistence on being right but I also don’t state an opinion without researching it first and won’t concede a point until someone makes a compelling argument. I can be convinced and sometimes am but it doesn’t happen often because I go into a debate prepared. I mean Hell, look at the name of the blog you’re reading.
I put in a lot of time, effort and often money trying to be a good person and helping out those around me in need. People did that for me in the past when I needed it and now that I’m a man of means, I think I should do the same. I don’t do it to be showered with praise but it would be nice if people could also remember the good I do instead of just point at the times I’m angry (or rather appear it) and criticize those. Sure, I am brash about issues like MSI’s customer service or the Epic Games Store but aside from having good reasons for those, I’ve also provided a ton of pro bono tech help to other streamers and was the #1 Extra Life player for my local hospital last year. The occasional call out for those things would be nice too.
As is so often the case, Twitter is generally at the heart of this. I’ve long professed that Twitter is a cesspool that it’s management encourages to be that way and that I wouldn’t use it if I didn’t have to. It’s dated limitations disallow nuance, people can–and often willingly do–misinterpret what you say or how severely you meant it, context is easily distorted, mob mentality is encouraged and it’s a terrible place for discussion or debate. The problem is, you can’t be a content creator and not use it. You network with it, developers and PR use it to gauge your reach and your audience uses it to see when you’re live or have put up something new. You also can’t just use it for the latter because your account has to be active and you have to be engaging with people for it to be considered useful. A few creators are able to avoid this without setback, 95% of us are not.
Contray to what one other respondant claimed, I don’t act or play a part with my content (well, other than Bad Russian which people love.) I’m not a fan of that style. What you see of me online is what I am like in real life for the most part. Until recently, this has extended to Twitter as well but clearly, my personality isn’t compatible with it’s limitations as a platform. So, I’m going to cut back what I post there, if not in volume, then definitely in subject matter. I’ll be keeping my more contentious opinions and experiences to here and more often, to my podcast, which people can listen to or avoid as they desire.
This shouldn’t be the way of things but it is so I can either adapt or get held back by it. I choose the former and continue to hope that one day, Twitter will just fail as a company and humanity will be better off for it. Facebook first though. 😉
This post took a lot longer to write than I planned but I’m glad I had a chance to break down the responses. I’ve taken a lot of valuable lessons from this that will help me going forward and I want to once again thank all of you who took the time to fill out the survey and also write some constructive comments. You all are the reason I make this stuff and your feedback can only help going forward.
If you are one of those who wrote a comment to me and would like to discuss it further, feel free to hit me up on Discord. Even if your feedback was strongly worded, I won’t bite your head off and would enjoy an opportunity to hash things out more. Maybe we can each learn something. If you just have some feedback based on what you’ve read here, hit me up there too or better yet, leave a comment. I might do a shorter follow-up survey with some additional questions about scheduling and such but we’ll see.
Whether your feedback was positive or negative, I thank all of you who watch my stuff from the bottom of my heart. My audience is small and I’d like to change that but those of you that are here are passionate and loyal and warms my heart to know I’m able to bring some joy to your lives. I’m very glad I did this survey and hopefully, positive change will come from it.
When it comes to computers, I often say hardware brands are like wines. They tend to have good and bad years. In my experience, barring a few exceptions, no brand has a flawless, nor a fully flawed track record. Loyalty to vendors that have done well by you isn’t a bad thing but it’s important to be able to look at your experiences objectively and not be afraid to switch your loyalties when you need to.
Let me regail you with the story of how I went from a loyal customer of MSI for nearly a decade to one that may very well never deal with them again.
I recently built myself a new third generation Ryzen desktop for gaming and streaming. You can see the full specs here. My friend Syncrosys built a similar machine around the same time. When choosing what motherboard we wanted, we had to do a lot of research. Most X570 boards were either cheaper and lacking features we wanted or wildly overpriced and full of extra stuff no one asked for, largely to take advantage of (i.e. rip off) early adopters. The MSI MPG X570 Gaming Pro Carbon WiFi (seriously, who names these things?) was one of the only launch boards that struck the middle ground we wanted. Good quality VRMs, no extra features we didn’t want (except Wi-Fi), generally good reviews and the price was as reasonable as X570 can be. We both grabbed one.
Syncrosys has mostly had a good experience but if you follow me, you know mine has been anything but. The first board I put in the machine had a VRM literally catch fire when I first powered it up. I sadly didn’t record it but a flame equivalent to that of a lighter is what I saw. Needless to say, the board never worked again. I took it back to the excellent RB Computing where I bought it from but they didn’t have any more and supplies were backordered indefinitely. They offered to send it back to MSI for me and also to give me a new one if a shipment came in first. MSI has a Canadian RMA facility and I was told they usually turn over fast.
Two and a half weeks later and I had no board and MSI had no ETA on when they’d get more. Typically, manufacturers keep some stock back to handle RMA requests. MSI didn’t appear to or they got so many returns, they ran out. After almost a month of waiting, they actually e-mailed RB Computing and told them they had no idea when more would come in and offered to refund the wholesale purchase, something RB Computing said had never happened in over 20 years of doing business. They said something seemed fishy about the whole situation but had no details beyond that. At time of writing, these boards are still hard to come by while other brands and models are plentiful, yet I can’t find anything online that indicates a widespread issue that would have caused them to stop shipments. Thankfully, I was able to find another one in stock elsewhere.
The new board arrived and didn’t catch fire but it had other problems. At first, it was just that the hard disk activity LED was stuck on at all times (a minor issue to most but monitoring disk activity is important to me.) Shortly after that, I discovered Wake-On-LAN didn’t work (again, unimportant to most, important to me) and about a week after using it, the chipset fan (which isn’t supposed to spin at all under low load) was constantly spinning at an ear-piercing 4,000RPM and wouldn’t respond to any PWM commands.
These are often problems that can be solved with tweaking or at worst, a BIOS update. I was already running the latest release BIOS so I took to MSI’s forums and found a thread of other people with the HDD LED issue. Most of them had no answers but one person said they were told by support that it was a known BIOS issue and a fix was coming. I opened my own support ticket to inquire about this, which anyone with the link can see. I was told by the representative to update to a beta BIOS that was on the web site and after that, an newer one that wasn’t even on the site yet. Neither of these fixed anything, though the unreleased BIOS did cause my system to randomly boot loop until I downgraded it and repaired Windows 10.
As you can see, I informed them that the solution didn’t work and at that point, they ghosted on me. I waited 5 days with no response so I requested an update and still didn’t receive one. I tweeted at MSI’s support account several times and received no response, even during times when they were actively replying to others. I sent their publicly listed Canadian support e-mail a message asking what was going on with my ticket and have never received a response.
Finally, I decided to call their 1-800 support number. After calling six times before their phone system would actually pick up as opposed to just ring endlessly, I was finally transferred to a representative in California. This person proceeded to provide me some of the rudest, most condescending “support” I’ve experienced in a long time. He wouldn’t look up my ticket and just kept wanting me to explain the issues. I did so, along with explaining what I’d already tried at support’s instruction. No word of a lie, his response was to ask me if any of these issues were really that big a deal. I told him that defects are defects and their severity is irrelevant if a nearly $400 motherboard (or a $50 one for that matter) isn’t doing what it was advertised to. He had no solutions to offer and just told me to send it in for RMA, at my expense of course. When I told him the last board was gone for almost a month before MSI gave up and refunded my supplier, he said he had no knowledge of what their stock was or not but that if these issues were so important, that’s what I had to do. He wouldn’t even entertain any other potential solutions to the issues. I hung up in disgust.
Shortly after, I ordered a recently released equivalent motherboard from ASUS, a brand I had previously avoided because of some of their own prior quality issues. It cost $30 more and doesn’t have Wi-Fi or Bluetooth but I’m writing this post from that computer right now and everything is working perfectly. I’ve sent the MSI board back for a refund.
It’s well-known that unfortunately, nearly every computer component manufacturer has terrible support. Indeed, I’ve experienced support for all the major players and with the exception of EVGA, there are none I would even consider not awful, much less good. However, I’ve never experienced support this bad in all my years of working with computers and certainly not for a premium product, sold at a premium price. MSI is not nearly the world’s largest motherboard manufacturer but according to Wikipedia, they’re a 33 year old, publicly traded company that did $3.55 billion in revenue in 2017. Small they most certainly aren’t. However, in that same page is a link to a laptopmag.com article, which lists MSI as having the worst support of any of the component vendor in 2019. Worse still, this is for support of their laptops, which sell for a lot more than motherboards. It’s clear their support is a cut below even the normally low standards of this industry.
I’ve used MSI motherboards exclusively for nearly a decade and used their GPUs for some of that time as well. I’ve sold many of their components (and even laptops) to clients and recommended them to friends. I take my reputation seriously and don’t recommend brands unless I’m confident in them and would use them myself. Indeed, MSI’s product quality was so good, I’d literally never had to use their support before now. Many X570 boards were rushed to market as the rumour is, AMD didn’t give manufacturers industry standard lead time and they had to get them done fast in order to make the launch of Ryzen 3000. I think the sheer number of BIOS updates most X570 boards have had bears that theory out. However, having one board catch fire, it being in RMA limbo for nearly a month, the replacement having all these other issues and then topped off with this support experience (one that’s apparently been common with MSI for years?) I feel bad for ever having trusted and recommended them.
Needless to say, MSI is on my Do Not Buy list for at least the next few years and even if their product quality improves, I won’t touch them again until they’ve been demonstrated to have fixed their nightmarish support. Other companies have figured this out already, one as big as them has no excuse whatsoever.
I just wanted to put this out there for people’s consideration when considering what components to buy in the future. If you get a good product from MSI, you’re golden. If you don’t, strap in for a wild ride.
To say I’m a massive fan of everything you do would be an understatement. When the first Witcher game came out, I imported a very expensive boxed version of the European Collector’s Edition because Atari decided not to sell one in North America.
When you launched GOG, I immediately loaded my account up with DRM-free retro PC games and have continued to do so because I believed in what you were doing with the service. I purchased The Witcher 2 and 3 at launch, both on GOG and bought The Witcher 3’s Expansion Pass before we knew a single thing it would contain. The Witcher 3 is in my top 5 favourite games of all-time. I’ve gifted more copies of your games and others from GOG than I can remember. When I was unemployed a couple of years back, I seriously considered applying for a job at GOG, even if it meant moving from Canada to Poland.
When you announced Cyberpunk 2077, I instantly became excited. Cyberpunk is one of my favourite genres of fiction and though there’s been a deluge of games with the theme recently, there weren’t many at the time and certainly none in the AAA space. From the moment I saw the first CGI trailer6 years ago, I knew you were making the game I wanted most in the world. I’ve never been more excited for a single title in 35 years of playing games. I committed to my streaming audience that I would take a week off work to play it every day when it launched. When the outrage press was spreading fake news about your team being transphobic and racist to generate clicks, I and many others stood alongside Mike Pondsmith in calling them out on it. I was and am all-in on this title. The Keanu Reeves reveal at E3 was just icing on the cake.
I normally couldn’t care less about collector’s editions but when you announced the $250US (an eye watering $325CDN) edition for Cyberpunk 2077, I was all-in for that too, in part because of my hype for the game but also because I wanted to support one of my favourite developers, making what I can already tell will be one of my favourite games, before I even touch it. I skipped buying one of the console editions when you announced to the great delight of the PC community that one was coming for us too. On the planned pre-order launch day of June 20th at 1pm Eastern, I sat with the sites of your three partners (Amazon Canada, Best Buy Canada and EB Games) all open, with my credit card ready to go.
1pm came and went and we all kept waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting some more.
You tweeted that pre-orders were available but not only was there no stock, there were no listings even created yet. People called your retail partners, only to be told that had not received any word from you or your North American distributor Warner Bros. Interactive, of the existence a PC collector’s edition. Eventually, someone on Reddit revealed that people in your official Discord had found the Amazon listing (which was designated as being for Windows Vista for some reason) but you could only get to it via a direct link or searching for the exact title, which didn’t match with the console versions. By the time word got out, they were gone.
Best Buy Canada’s listing didn’t go up until the next day. When I tried to pre-order, I received an error that the item I was trying to purchase was not available for shipping, which isn’t the same as it being out of stock. I called their support and the rep told me his previous three calls in a row were about the same issue and that there was something wrong on their end and we’d just have to keep trying until it was fixed. When I was supposed to be working, I kept refreshing the cart until the item showed as available. By the time I made the two clicks necessary to confirm my purchase, the order was aborted because it was already sold out.
At time of writing, EB Games (who you still list an an official partner for the PC collector’s edition), still doesn’t even list it. Perhaps even more hilariously, your own web site was never updated to show the PC collector’s edition as being available and still hasn’t been.
eBay listings for $500 or more are already up in droves and the prevailing feeling among the community is that you both grossly undersupplied pre-orders and that of the ones that do exist, the majority were scooped up by scalper bots before most legitimate buyers ever had a chance. On top of this, the questions and cries of your most devoted customers have been met with silence. We have no idea if there will be additional pre-order waves and what will be done to make sure this is handled better if there is.
Your most devoted fans are pissed. I’m pissed. And we have every right to be.
Pre-orders are a solved problem in 2019, or at least they’re supposed to be. You picked the three largest gaming retailers in the country to be your middle men, a wise choice given the scope of this product’s launch. Yet somehow, these three massive, seasoned companies, all completely screwed this up. They launched late, with broken listings, one hasn’t launched at all and it appears apparent that they let crooks hoover up all the copies instead of your most ardent supporters. You’ve said nothing, offered no apologies and not given us even a sliver of confidence that there’s still hope any of us can still get this without spending what amounts to the monthly payment on a really nice car.
Fanboys are already saying this isn’t your fault. It’s Warner Bros., it’s the retailers, it’s the scalpers. I think they’re all to blame here but at the end of the day, this is your game, it’s your name on the box and you are the ones who have been communicating–or rather not–about this promotion. People cheered when you reversed your decision to not have a PC collector’s edition as another sign of what a consumer friendly company you are, something gamers really need to be assured of in the era of EA, Activision and the Epic Games Store. In the end, what should have been a straightforward pre-order campaign was handled with a level of incompetence and disrespect that I’ve not seen in perhaps decades. Your biggest fans were ready to drop an obscene amount of money on you and instead, you disrespected our time, our loyalty and to this day, have still not so much as said a word about it.
Will I still be playing Cyberpunk 2077 at launch? Of course I will. If I can’t secure a collector’s edition, I’ll still be buying it from GOG because I want to see an amazing AAA cyberpunk game succeed so that more will hopefully get made. However, I will say without question that this has sapped away a lot of the good will I had towards your company and on that, I know I’m definitely not alone.
You can fix this. Own the screw up, don’t just blame your partners, apologize to the community, do another run of collector’s edition pre-orders for all platforms and either don’t limit inventory or insist that it be fulfilled in a way that doesn’t allow scumbag scalpers and their bots to screw over the community.
More than all that though, justsay something, anything. You have more good will than any developer or publisher in the industry right now and possibly more than there ever has been. It takes years to earn a great reputation and moments to lose it. Don’t do so when your magnum opus is less than a year away.
Your fans want you to succeed and we deserve better than this.
If you’re one of those people who has been crazy enough to stick around my content for a while, you may remember that way back when, I used to do a series of videos on my YouTube channel called The Geek Bravado Ramble. It was basically me well, rambling my thought process before I wrote a post for this blog. The idea was to help flesh out my opinion by giving people an idea into how I came up with things. It was never very popular and I eventually shelved it.
As time has gone on, I’ve written less and less on this blog. Not because I didn’t want to but because I’ve been leading an increasingly busy life and putting stuff on here took the most concentrated effort of anything I made and got the least amount of interest from people. One of my original goals with Geek Bravado was to do two things: Improve my writing skills and do it while saying what I wanted to say about things, even if those things weren’t popular. The first goal has unquestionably been accomplished, as can be demonstrated by comparing some of my original posts to my recent ones (for the love of everything, don’t do that.) The second goal though? Well, I miss that a lot and I’ve been thinking of a way to keep being able to do it while still being able to accomodate my busy life and my other content like YouTube and Mixer.
Well, I found my solution and it’s this: I’ve bought back The Geek Bravado Ramble as a podcast! I recently discovered the Anchor.fm podcasting service, which allows you to record podcasts in myriad ways (including from your phone), hosts them and handles putting them on every major podcast service and does it all for free! It’s not perfect but it’s pretty damn good and so far, it’s impressed me a lot. I have a lot of commute time during the day where I’m doing basically nothing except sitting in traffic and I thought “There must be a way I can do something productive with this” and this came to me one day. I can record these podcasts on my phone as I drive, they sound pretty good and I can upload and publish them almost immediately and as often as I want.
Each episode is relatively short (usually under 30 minutes, often under 20) and will be me rambling on a topic of the day I have something to say on. It will often be on gaming or tech but can also be on the news, politics, mental health or whatever else I feel like talking about. Like Geek Bravado as a whole, my opinions are as informed as they can be but are also unvarnished and often, won’t jive with popular opinion. However, you’ll always hear what I really think, I’ll never use scummy clickbait tactics and I always want to hear feedback and debate. You can hit me up on Twitter (though I reserve the right to take debates to DMs) but the best way is to join my Discord, where I have a dedicated podcast discussion channel. I have a great small community there and people will be respectful as long as you are. I’m happy to hammer out points and am open to having my mind changed, as long as you can do it intelligently.
I’m still going to write longer-form posts here on occasion. I still have some stuff I want to talk about that can’t really work in a quick podcast where I’m doing a stream of consciousness. But in the mean time, this podcast still allows me to talk about things I find interesting and get that stuff out there in a timely manner. I hope you like it and as always, I’d love to hear your feedback and suggestions as this experiment evolves.
If you do enjoy the show, please subscribe and leave a review wherever you listen. Reviews help it get more attention and hopefully more listeners. Thank you for your continued support of my content. It means a lot and I hope this can be a big part of it going forward.
Their motto is “Streaming is better this way.” So, why are seemingly so many people leaving?
Mixer is where I’ve been doing my live streaming for well over a year now. After finding no success on Twitch and also having no luck restreaming to multiple services, I was convinced to move exclusively to the burgeoning and at the time, newly Microsoft owned platform. I liked it’s FTL technology that allowed near real-time chat interaction and I really loved it’s sense of community, which led me to groups like theSHED team, where I’ve met some of the most supportive streamers anywhere, many of whom are now good friends. I’m newly over 1,000 followers as I write this and while I certainly haven’t grown as fast as some, I have grown much faster than others and had been feeling good about things over there.
Lately, things haven’t been as rosy for me and quite a few other streamers on the platform. Despite making my content in the same way that had been relatively successful for me, my average viewer and new follower count has gone down a lot. Many other channels (including several big partnered ones) have seen similar drops and all while Mixer is reporting record user growth overall. To make matters worse for worryers like me, a number of streamers have announced–often very publicly–that they’re leaving Mixer and either going back to Twitch, starting up there fresh, or at the very least, restreaming to both services now. This has caused a lot of drama in the Mixer community and it’s also caused many people to think that an exodus is taking place because of things these people know that we don’t.
I was concerned about this because not only is Mixer my home but if something were to happen to make it no longer viable as such, I would sooner quit streaming than go back to Twitch. I have no desire to start building a new audience from scratch again and frankly, I can’t stand Twitch’s tech, web site design or what is frequently considered “community” over there. So, seeing where I’ve chosen to plant roots having a lot of its once vocal supporters jumping ship–when the exact opposite was happening only a few months ago–made me more than a little worried. However, being someone who likes to gather as much information as possible before drawing and acting on a conclusion, I asked many of those who were leaving if they could expand on why. The only reasoning most of them offered in their public statements was that they “didn’t like the direction Mixer was going.” The vast majority either ignored my requests or outright refused to elaborate, which immediately made me suspicious. However, like all content platforms, Mixer is terrible at communicating with their creators and has said exactly nothing to allay anyone’s fears, causing the common effect of people reaching their own conclusions and using social media to spread them as gospel in a modern version of the game of Telephone. A couple of people did respond with their reasons and I also managed to talk to a few partners who are far more informed than I am about what goes on behind the scenes. While none of them broke their non-disclosure agreements, I am still not going to name them or any of the people leaving that I spoke to, out of respect and a desire to avoid further drama. Some of the reasons I got made sense, a few of which I actually share. Some of them bordered on Alex Jones levels of conspiracy theory, supposedly coming from people in the know but which were just impossibly ludicrous. I’ve compiled what seem to be the most common and grounded ones:
Mixer’s front page has become full of either brand/tournament streams or the same handful of “golden partners” playing either Fortnite and the latest release published by Microsoft Studios. Variety streamers (who already have a hard time growing) are no longer getting promoted and having your channel randomly featured basically no longer happens.
The Mixer platform is not evolving fast enough. Tech issues are still too common, new features are very slow to appear and key things like a partner sub button on Xbox are still nowhere in sight.
The vast majority of the Mixer audience is kids on Xbox, who pollute chat, just want to play Fortnite with streamers and who often follow and never come back because the Xbox app is bad at showing when streamers you follow go live.
Unless you want to play what’s hyper-popular, you’ll grow better on Twitch just because of the sheer size of the audience there compared to Mixer.
Viewership appears to be down for many channels, no one knows why and Mixer won’t tell anyone.
Partners are being told what games to play by Mixer and if you get partnership (which is the goal of many, myself included), you no longer have freedom over your content and have to do what you’re told or risk your partnership.
Streamers aren’t being given enough ways to monetise their content and can’t make reasonable money on Mixer. It takes too long to attain full partnership when they can start making money as a Twitch affiliate much more quickly.
I’m a variety streamer in the truest sense of the word. I play games from all over the spectrum of size, scope and features and rarely am I playing the same title for long stretches of time. I know as well as anyone how hard it is to grow as this type of streamer. I accept that because I’m not going to do this if I can’t play what I want to play and well, I play a lot of stuff. I have no desire to make a career of this so I don’t mind growing more slowly. That said, I do have goals and put a lot of time, money and effort into this so when I see my numbers going down and not up, I want to know why because if it’s due to me or my content, that knowledge will help me change for the better. If it’s the system that’s at issue, I want to know that too so I can either work within its constraints or lobby to have them addressed.
After talking to my sources, my conclusion is that I think jumping ship right now is a panic-driven overreaction and that those of us who play the long game will ultimately benefit from doing so. Mixer has problems–many of them in fact–and I think they could be doing a much better job of keeping us informed but also, I think many people don’t have a good understanding about just how long it can take to make changes on the level they ask for, especially from inside a monolithic company like Microsoft. Since I’ve stated the most common points, let me know respond to each in kind with what I’ve learned:
Having looked at the front page a lot lately, one can’t deny there is truth to smaller and variety streamers showing up there a lot less. It’s almost always either e-sports tournaments or a bigger channel playing Fortnite. I’ve been fortunate enough to have my channel featured 3 times but haven’t in months now. Here’s the thing though: Being featured doesn’t actually help you much. I would guess that probably about 200-300 of my current 1,000+ followers came from those times I was featured. You know how many of them are now regular viewers? Maybe 1 or 2 and they probably would have found me anyway. The vast majority hit the follow button, never to return again. Those people might as well not be following me at all. I’m not saying Mixer shouldn’t be featuring more smaller and variety channels but if you’re reliant on being featured to drive your growth, your content is probably not as good as you think it is.
Tech issues were a near constant problem for several months but they have improved substantially. We still get them on occasion but comparing where the platform’s tech is now to when I started streaming is night and day (remember when Mixer basically didn’t work on Chrome?) A large-scale live streaming service is monumentally complex technology that those not in the know can’t fully appreciate the scope of. I agree that new features could be coming faster and the lack of things like an Xbox sub button seem baffling on the surface. However, there are very complex backend challenges that make these things complicated to solve. Mixer is still a small team and in the scope of Microsoft or even Xbox (which they report under), they are miniscule. They don’t have the massive staff that Twitch or YouTube have and problems and features have to be prioritised to where they think the most benefit will be achieved. I totally understand why partners consider an Xbox sub button to be critical but Mixer might not feel the same and at the end of the day, it’s their platform, not ours.
While huge, the Twitch audience is primarily PC based. One of Mixer’s greatest advantages is that the service is on the home screen of every single Xbox One. That people somehow see this as a bad thing is confounding to me. Yes, a lot of Xbox users are kids and yes, a lot of them are using chat with a controller and can’t contribute much. But a viewer is a viewer and if you can’t follow the rules of my channel, you get banned regardless of what platform you’re on. I can assure you, I’ve given the boot to many a PC user as well. If many people are coming in from Xbox and asking to play Fortnite and then bouncing out when you say no, the couple that stick around are still new viewers and followers you didn’t have before. Getting exposed to a greater audience is not a bad thing and while we all want less chat toxicity, you can’t claim on one hand that you aren’t getting enough viewers but on the other hand, complain that you’re getting too many new viewers that just aren’t the kind you want. Aside from making it easier to get notified when streamers you follow go live, you know the best thing that could happen to Mixer? If it finally got a PS4 app as well.
The argument that Mixer is focusing more and more on what’s already hyper popular is one I can actually agree with. That was a big reason why I left Twitch and it does frustrate me to see them endlessly promoting Fortnite, a game that most certainly doesn’t need the help. I can see how if you want to play more obscure stuff (which we as variety streamers often do), that you might do better on Twitch, where there’s just such a massive army watching, some more people are bound to trip over your channel. Personally, that was never my experience but maybe it’s different now. From what my sources told me, this is a problem Mixer is aware of and is one they’re working on. A lot of it has to do with how their algoritm analyses trends, tries to promote based on those and how it was never originally designed to handle games like Fortnite, which rose from nothing to one of the biggest games in the world almost overnight and which has stayed there longer than anyone ever expected. This is another thing that requires changes on the backend that won’t happen overnight but are apparently in the pipeline.
My sources have told me that the drop in viewership to many channels when Mixer’s overall audience growth seems to be exploding can largely be attributed to my last point. The platform is driving people towards a select handful of games at the expense of many others and as many new viewers just click on stuff from the front page rather than go digging, people who don’t play Fortnite are not getting seen as much. Again, I agree this is frustrating but it’s apparently being worked on.
I can say that the point about partners being told what to play is just straight up false. I know multiple partners who never play the games Mixer is actively promoting and their partnerships are perfectly healthy. You will sometimes be told that if you want certain dash slots as a partner, that you’ll need to play a certain thing in those slots but that’s opt-in and never forced on you. Dash slots are often promotional in nature and like it or not, Mixer is a business that needs to generate revenue. If you don’t want to take part in that, you don’t have to and many partners happily abstain and do just fine. Plus hey, a lot of the games Mixer will ask you to play are ones a lot of these partners actually want to play.
If you’re successful enough to obtain partnership with any streaming platform, you should immediately be looking at ways to diversify your income. Relying solely on your cut of subscriptions or ad revenue is a quick path to disappointment. While Mixer gives you a couple of ways to make money if you become a partner, it’s not their job to come up with new ones, that’s on you. You can try to maximise what they give you but if you expect that to provide you a living, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. If you have any desire to make a business of streaming, you should be better informed of that well before you apply for partnership. The only reason Twitch affiliates exist is because they were getting so overrun with partnership applications, that they had to come up with a lower tier to stem the tide. While becoming an affiliate looks enticing, it’s a terrible deal and is designed to give you enough of a carrot that you stick around, continuing to slog away at a full partnership that 90%+ of channels have no hope of achieving. I applaud Mixer for not going this route and for encouraging people to work hard to attain a full partnership.
Every problem I’ve mentioned above exists on Twitch and is magnified many fold. Sure, they have a larger overall audience but they also have all the same issues and unlike Mixer, have shown no interest in doing anything about them. Everyone is free to make their own choices of where to stream and while I’ve made it clear what I think of Twitch, I don’t fault you for going to where you think you have the biggest chance to grow. Indeed, a couple of those leaving that I’ve spoken to have given a lot of thought to their choice and in a couple of cases, I actually think they might fare better on Twitch and I wish them all the best. Could Mixer be quicker at reacting to these issues and could they be a lot better at if not telling their creators what’s coming, at least reassuring us that they’re aware of the problems and working on them? Absolutely they could and I’m not letting them off the hook for that. It drives me mad but at least for now, the industry has collectively decided that being as tight-lipped as possible with their creators is the smartest strategy. I don’t agree but it’s the way it is.
That said, a lot of the recent exodus seems to be people who saw a couple of well known partners jump ship and bandwagoned on that, figuring that if a partner did it, they must have a good reason based in hidden knowledge we aren’t privy to and it makes sense to follow them. One thing that I’ve learned in the last year is that many partners are no less lacking in self-confidence, impulsive, reckless or dare I say, even entitled than many new streamers who get upset that they don’t have a massive audience within a month of starting out. What did our mothers say about jumping off a cliff just because someone else did? Partners often do know things we don’t and they often can’t talk about it but that very reason is why you should not just blindly follow when one or two say they’re bailing with some vague statement about “direction” as their justification.
One of my sources actually told me that they think the term “partner” is a bad one to use to describe that role because it makes a lot of people feel like they have some sort of ownership over the platform and an entitlement to a voice in the decision making process. That’s not at all what partnership means and while a lot of that is on creators who let their egos run away with their better sense, I do wonder if the weight of that term has something to do with it. Ironically, while “affiliate” is a term used to describe a lower tier of that concept, I think it’s probably what should have been used all along.
Live streaming is an incredibly crowded, brutal space where only a tiny fraction of people will ever find large scale financial success. It should be hard and it should always be something you do as a hobby first. In the very early days of streaming and YouTube, it was a lot easier to get big if you got in quick enough and just worked hard. Those times are long gone. I won’t say I haven’t had plenty of days where I’m demotivated. Recently I played Star Control: Origins for a week, a game that was the #1 seller on Steam at the time and where I had the developer tweeting out every stream I did. Virtually no one showed up and I was super bummed about that, especially when I saw people on Twitch playing it for an audience of hundreds. However, my instinct was not to abandon Mixer and go where I saw a higher number, it was to find out why no one was watching me here and try to figure out how I could fix that.
Every time you jump ship to another platform, you not only are effectively starting over, you’re showing the platform you left that you’ll bail the first time things get hard. How do you think that’s going to look if you decide to come back again and eventually apply for partnership, especially if you left in a huff? Mixer isn’t a perfect place and there’s a lot they could be doing better but there is no utopian service and there are always going to be things you don’t like. In the real world, we have to either work within those constraints or try to change them for the better. Running away because the going gets tough shows weakness, not strength and while a brand or platform is certainly not owed your loyalty, you’re also not owed the same level of consideration as someone who toughed it out through the difficult times and worked to improve things.
There’s a lot of real talk in here but I think it’s something a lot of people need to hear. The bottom line of this long post is that after talking to a lot of people who are more informed and often, much smarter than me, I am still confident that I made the right decision to make Mixer my streaming home and plan to for the foreseeable future. I believe those of us who choose to play the long game and grind through the challenges we currently face will come out the other side benefitting from that and that many of those who ran back to Twitch will come to wish they hadn’t. Indeed, Twitch had many of these same challenges not all that long ago and many who hung on benefitting from that commitment. Maybe I’m wrong about that. Maybe Mixer isn’t going to get any better and if it doesn’t, I’ll have to evaluate how much more I want to put into streaming at that time. Right now though, I’m still fully dedicated to this platform and am going to put in all the effort I was and more and I think if you do too, we’ll all end up the better for it. Every platform has its challenges and as many of us are self-doubters. It’s understandable to be wary, believe me I understand and you should absolutely voice concerns in a productive way when you have them. However, jumping around when the going gets tougher rarely works out for the best in the end and sometimes, a little extra dedication goes a long way. Keep calm and stream on Mixer friends.
I’ve long been of the belief that one should be open about mental health. Aside from wanting to help end the stigma and ignorance around it, I’ve always thought telling others what you’re going through not only lets them know they aren’t alone but can provide insights into their own struggles and maybe, give them a basis to start figuring them out. The human brain is nothing if not insanely complicated and we’re all too often left to try to parse all the weird things it does ourselves.
Three days ago, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder. Both of these come in numerous variants so for those curious, the official diagnoses are Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder – Combined Presentation (DSM 5 Code: 314.01, Mild) and Major Depressive Disorder – Recurrant, In Partial Remission (DSM 5 Code: 296.35). In addition, while I did exhibit certain symptoms of ASD or what is also commonly called High-Functioning Autism (formerly known as Asperger’s Syndrome, a term now deprecated in the DSM), I did not exhibit enough of them and they did not combine into a significant enough detrimental effect to warrant a formal diagnosis of that. I do have the formal report I was given by the therapist and while I’m not going to post it here as it would in many ways be doxing myself, I’m happy to provide a copy to anyone I know personally who is curious. I am not ashamed or afraid of posting what I am here. Indeed, more people should be able to talk about this without fear. Anyone, whether a friend or an employer who will judge me negatively for this is someone I don’t wish to know.
The layman version of those two things are that I have ADHD but a version of it that doesn’t constiture a major detriment to my ability to function as an adult. It’s clinically considered “mild” but the therapist said the three stage scale they’re supposed to use is a system she doesn’t agree with and I shouldn’t pay it much mind. It doesn’t mean my life isn’t being negatively impacted by it, just that I can get by with it if I had to. I had been formerly diagnosed with depression and anxiety already so that was no big surprise but this more granular diagnosis means that I am prone to major depressive episodes (can confirm) but that they are less frequent than they were before I started treating them with medication (can also confirm.)
So now that all the doctor speak is done, what’s all this then? Back in early 2017, when my ex and I decided to end our relationship, I was getting some remote therapy with a Psychologist through my work’s Employee Assistance Program. We were talking about various things during one session and the therapist said “Out of curiosity, have you ever been tested for ADHD?” I was kind of taken aback because I’d never considered that before. I said no and asked why he thought that and his answer really threw me: “Well, I’m diagnosed ADHD and I can tell from our interactions that you exhibit many signs of it. It might be worth looking into.” After that, a good friend who has two kids diagnosed with it said “I never thought it was my place to say but I could tell within 5 minutes of first meeting you that you had it.”
I’ve always been a very fidgety person. I often talk a lot and hate silence in conversations. I have issues with eye contact and can come across as socially awkward, even when I’m comfortable with someone. I’m also extremely introverted and heavy social situations are draining for me. I will make almost any sacrifice to help those I care about but I also decide very quickly after meeting someone if they’re a person I want to care about and I don’t tend to give second chances easily when I’ve been burned. I’m easily distracted and passive activities like reading and studying I have very hard times with. Most of all though, my brain always runs a mile a minute, trying to process 10 thoughts at once, usually going nowhere fast with 8 to 9 of them. I have major issues with focus and have found that gaming is one of the only activities where I’m able to shut my brain’s multitasking down and just “think normally.” It’s a big part of why gaming is so important to me, even taking into account my love of the medium in general. I have a cousin with ADHD (with a big emphasis on the H part) and much like when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety some years ago, I always assumed “There’s no way I have that, I’m sure it has to be way worse to even come close to being clinical.” Never assume.
For all the good and security our public health care system in Canada provides, mental health is always one aspect where it’s fallen very short. Psychologists and assessments of this nature are not covered at all, something that’s always frustrated me when you look at some of the things that are covered. While many corporate benefit plans can help, my employer offers a miserably low cap for mental health every year. They’re looking at rectifying this in some way but it hasn’t happened yet. To get a professional diagnosis from a well-regarded clinic that specialises in this kind of thing was between $1,800 and $2,500 when I researched it. The clinic I chose (one that’s considered excellent and also happens to be near me) was on the high end of this scale, partially because they also suggested we test for ASD traits as well. I make a decent living but not enough to just have that kind of money lying around. I ended up scrimping and saving for a number of months and even then, was only able to do this so soon because of a major freelance tech job that came about earlier this year. Thankfully, I’ll be able to write some of this off on my taxes but I still won’t see that for a while and this wasn’t chump change. I consider myself very fortunate I was able to make this work and it really bugs me that so many people who could use it, can’t because our system doesn’t take mental health seriously.
A key thing to note is that despite the high cost, I wasn’t going into this expecting to come out with an ADHD diagnosis. While many signs pointed to that being the case, I knew that if I was going to do this, I had to be prepared to accept the result, even if it was that I didn’t have anything and was just someone who overthought things and stressed out too easily. If you’re convinced of what you have from the get go and are just going for validation of that, you’re doing it wrong. You have to go in with the mindset that you’re asking for a diagnosis but you might also just have it confirmed that you don’t have what you thought you did and it’s going to cost the same either way.
Getting diagnosed consisted of a couple of very long interview sessions, 3 to 4 hours each. In many ways, it’s like going to a Psychologist for general therapy for the first time, where they’re mostly getting to know you and your history, except condensed into two long sessions instead of several short ones. The therapist I saw was very kind, understanding, patient and a pleasure to deal with and I instantly felt comfortable relaying my extensive mental health and life history to her (if you’re in Ottawa and want to know the clinic I dealt with, leave a comment with an obfuscated e-mail address or DM me on Twitter.) I was also asked to provide a copy of my high school transcript for her to analyse as obviously, ADHD can have a major impact on education performance. She had a short phone interview with my Mom and we were both asked to fill out some lengthy and detailed questionnaires. I also did some longer electionic ones in my second session.
My life growing up and indeed, throughout much of adulthood was not a simple or easy one. Though it certainly could have been far worse, I had a lot to make her aware of. Since ADHD is a neurological disorder that you’re born with, we went back pretty much as far as I could remember and worked forward from there. She took a phenomenal amount of notes and was writing something down with just about everything I told her. We talked about my home life, childhood and adult friendships, school experiences (both academic and social), romantic relationships, employment history, life goals such as children, and hobbies. A lot of this involved explaining a lot of past unpleasentness but thankfully, I’m at peace with most of it. She didn’t just want to get to know me, she wanted to know how the ways I handled many key aspects of life could have been influenced by ADHD and other things.
She was not a gamer and didn’t understand the hobby much but was very curious to hear about it, my content efforts like YouTube and Mixer and in particular, how those have benefitted my mental health and why I feel gaming has been the only hobby I’ve found that can truly let my brain focus. My content has paid phenomenal dividends in terms of making me feel at ease talking to crowds and interacting with others and she was interested to hear about how that all works. I told her my theory of why gaming works so well for calming my brain, which is the non-passive nature of it and how being in control of what’s happening and having to manage that while also observing it, keeps my brain more occupied than a more passive activity like watching a movie or reading can. I can do those activities but will always uncontrollably have many other thoughts going at the same time, which can not only diminish my enjoyment of it but also impact how much of the experience I mentally retain. With gaming, that’s far less of an issue. She agreed that seems a likely reason but also agreed that there’s probably other things that could have a similar impact that I just hasn’t discovered yet. Indeed, I’d like to find other hobbies I can enjoy as much as gaming and I hope I can at some point.
Once the interviews are done and the questionnaires are filled out, it takes 4-6 weeks for the report to be completed. It seems like a long time but like with most things, I’m very much of the belief that it should be done right, not fast. They don’t just hand you a printout and bid you good luck, they actually sit down with you for another 90 minutes or so and go over the whole thing in detail, including what next steps might be involved. The therapist and I already had a great rapport so she knew I just wanted an accurate diagnosis and wasn’t going to be upset at anything she told me.
I kind of spoiled the big reveal up top but there were some interesting details in the report that helped determine the diagnosis. Firstly, my academic performance was very telling. Overall, I was an exceptionally average student. I squeaked by in the majority of subjects and the ones I did really excel in were those that involved less direct absorption of information and more hands-on tasks, such as Computer Science, Creative Writing and Stage Crew. This really didn’t surprise me as I’ve never been good at studying, something that’s continued to haunt me to this day as I’ve found studying for IT certifications much more difficult than they should be.
We also discussed a lot of my social quirks, like how I ramble to avoid silence in conversations, issues with prolonged eye contact. and strong introverted tendencies. It was those things that led to the decision to also test me for ASD (high-functioning autism) as they’re common with that. The conclusion was that while I don’t have ASD, the ADHD can definitely be contributing to those and treating it could help alleviate them.
She also detailed something that threw me a bit. I’ve often referred to myself as “solutions oriented to a fault.” Since I’ve had to overcome many challenges in life on my own, my first instinct when I see a problem or difficulty is not to seek pity or comfort but to immediately figure out a way to fix it. Indeed, this is one of the reasons I’m so good at my job in IT. However, this instinct also kicks in when I see someone else in distress. I’ve always found it difficult to just let someone be upset or vent about something. I always have to pivot into a discussion about what they’re going to do about it. In my mind, I always go “Well, the faster we can solve the problem, the sooner it’ll stop upsetting you.” This may often be the most pragmatic approach but it’s certainly not always the best, especially as a lot of people just need comfort before looking for solutions. What threw me though, is that she said even though this approach can be interpreted as cold by others, she said I’m also extremely empathic and more attune to the emotional state of others than many people. My solutions oriented approach may be overly practical at times (as oddly contradictory as that sounds) but it’s done out of genuine concern and empathy because I see it as the quickest path to providing relief to someone. It was put to me that it’s not a fault per ce and not something I should stop doing, I just need to be better at understanding when someone just needs comfort and to check my want to always fix things and just give them that because the solutions can always come later. This probably sounds rather elementary to many of you but it was a revelatory thing to hear.
When we started this process, I was asked what my end goal was. That was always to find out what specific afflictions I had that were impacting my life and figuring out what to do about them. Like I said above, the key thing is go to into something like this not to have your exising self-diagnosis confirmed but to be open to whatever is told to you. It turns out that my self-diagnosis was broadly correct but there was a more nuance to it and learning how it affected specific elements of my life was very eye-opening. In particular, I was told that untreated ADHD can often lead into things like depression and anxiety and while those things could also be operating independently for me, dealing with the ADHD could suddenly make those far less prominent as well. That’s something that can only be found out through treatment.
So why did it take until I was almost 40 to finally have this figured out? I worked with several mental health and learning disability specialists when I was in school try to to boost my academic performance and the concept of ADHD was never raised once, something my Mom confirmed. The answer unfortunately is that much like Autism, ADHD has only really become understood and more clinically identifiable in recent years. When I was in school in the early 80s through the late 90s, only the most extreme cases were considered for diagnosis because that’s just how the disorder was treated back then. Even now, my case is not considered severe. I can be frustrated about that in retrospect and sometimes am but it doesn’t really matter.
On the flipside, there was also a period until recently, where any child that was fidgety, had any kind of difficulty concentrating or in many cases, was just being a freakin’ kid, was considered to have ADHD. The common medications for it were wildly overprescribed and the disorder was being used as a catch-all for any overprotective parent who thought their less than perfect little angel was that way not because they’re simply human, but because they had to be sick. It’s not unlike the current but diminishing trend of everyone assuming they have gluten intolerance, only much worse. These two extremes both happened in my lifetime and are why I really wanted to know for sure what I had and to have a professional be the one to tell me. I hate how overmedicated our society has become and am determined not to take anything that I don’t have someone who knows better, tell me is necessary.
That said, what is my treatment anyway? Well, at least to start, it’s you guessed it, medication. I already take an anti-depressant (plus I have a stronger on-demand one for when it’s needed) and have for a couple of years now. It has evened out that element of things somewhat but it’s not perfect and I still have depressive relapses (I’ve been dealing with one for about a month or so now.) It also does nothing to help with the focus issues or social ticks. The therapist was a Psychologist, not a Psychiatrist, so she didn’t have the ability to prescribe me anything. This involves me having to talk to my family doctor, which is a fun time in and of itself but that’s another story. I’ll likely end up being prescribed one of the two major medications for ADHD. I’m not going to name them here but trust me, you’ve heard of them.
Here’s the really interesting part though. I had always assumed that since these medications alter brain chemistry, they worked the same way anti-depressants do. If you don’t know, an anti-depressant is a process. You have to build it up in your brain when you start taking it and for a period of time, your symptoms will feel significantly worse. A similar things happens when you need to change your dose or get off of it. If you don’t wean yourself down, things can go very bad because depression is nothing if not a treacherous beast. It turns out, ADHD medication enters and exits your system so fast, you can take it on demand, much like an off-the-shelf painkiller. Some people take it daily, others do that but stop on weekends and holidays, others only take it when they need to. You’re able to experiment and find a method that works for you, all without worrying about sudden side effects. This blew my mind and actually makes me kind of excited to try it and see what happens. I had no idea this kind of thing could be so flexible.
The therapist also advised continued therapy if I could manage it. She said she enjoyed working with me and would be up for continuing to. I certainly would be as well and it’s honestly something I’ve thought I needed for a while but sadly, the diagnosis ate all of my measly benefits for the year. I’m hoping that once a raise kicks in at work, I’ll be able to budget a least a session a month with her and hopefully more if our benefits improve. Others have suggested things like daily meditation as well. I’ve always wanted to get into that but having a brain that won’t shut up made it never stick with me. If medication can help me focus, I can easily see it becoming part of my routine. Exercise was also recommended, a no brainer I also really need to start doing as after several years of achieving decent weight loss, I put almost all of it back on in 2017 because of stress and my tendency to emotionally eat.
So after this lengthy story, what’s the the end result of all this time and expense? Though it may sound cliché, it’s a sense of hope, one I’ve not had in a long time. Will treating my ADHD fix my depression or even lessen it? Will it finally allow me to focus to the degree I need to make up the knowledge deficits that have been holding my career back? Will it allow me to finally enjoy hobbies and activities not gaming related the way others do? Will it just shut my damn brain up and let it do 1 thing at a time well instead of 10 things half-assed? I honestly can’t tell you right now. However, getting this diagnosis and knowing there’s a path to treating it has for the first time in my life, made me think that yes, I can take control of what I know has been holding me back and yes, I can overcome obstables that I thought were just going to be there forever. This isn’t a one-stop fix and I’m always going to have struggles and difficulties that many people won’t experience. However, I’ve had to overcome a lot of challenges in my life to get where I am now and though my brain often tries to tell me otherwise, where I am now is pretty damn good. I can only imagine where things could end up once I’m in even more direct control of my mind and by extension, my future. Was that worth $2,500 that it took months to save up? No, it was worth far more than that.
I know this post has mostly just been a lengthy retelling of my diagnosis and I don’t know if it’ll really help anyone or not. However, if you’re someone who has struggled with this stuff, I hope it makes you remember that you’re not alone in your quest and that it inspires you to seek help and guidance if you’re able. I know depending where you are, getting this done isn’t a cheap endeavour. Don’t forget though, you may have benefits better than mine and it may not be as expensive as you think. Even if it is, if you have the means to make it a goal, I can’t recommend it enough. And of course, anyone who needs to can always reach out to me for help or advice and I’ll offer whatever I can from what I’ve learned. Just remember, I’m solutions oriented to a fault.
Our brains are amazing but they can also be real jerks sometimes. When they’re sick, they’ll lie to you, get in your way and make you feel like you can’t do what you know you can. With the right tools, you can fight back, smack it in line and when you can then realise your full potential, it gets a lot easier to keep it that way. Thank you for reading and good luck and good fortune. You deserve it.
So yeah, it’s been a bit since I posted something here. Honestly, I didn’t intend for Geek Bravado to just go dark like it did. I’ve continued to have stuff I’ve wanted to say that’s best put into posts here and I’ve always said “I’ll get to that as soon as I can!” and then that time never comes. 2017 was a nightmare year for me personally and though things are improving now, between my day job, my side business, YouTube, my exploding Mixer channel, Extra Life and everything else, some things had to give and this was unfortunately one of them. Geek Bravado’s always been about my opinions and most posts are written in one sitting based off knowledge I already have. They usually only take an hour or two but when you have so much else going on that’s growing faster than your blog ever did, allocating that much time in one sitting is tough.
That said, I’ve never wanted to get rid of this thing. Some of the posts here still get a lot of traction (this one from 2013 in particular for some reason) and I would like to get back to making new posts when I can manage. So, I’m going to keep it around but there will probably be a few changes. I host Geek Bravado on WordPress.com, which is a colossal ripoff and gives a very limited set of features compared to running WordPress yourself. I am in the process of redoing my side business web site, as well as creating a brand new site to promote my other content in one place. The host I am testing does allow WordPress installations and while it’s not the easiest thing to do, it is possible to export all my content out of WordPress.com and move it onto another self-hosted installation, while keeping all the links intact. That’s what I’m going to do with this. Once that’s done, I’ll have access to more plug-ins, design tools and storage and can hopefully update the design of this place a bit as well.
I also do plan to post occasionally in the mean time. I have some things I want to talk about in a long-form way and this is still the best place to do that. I’ve tried to tone down the snark and anger on my Twitter feed (with moderate success) and the stuff I really want to talk about in a brutally honest way, I think better fits this place and the theme I always intended it to follow.
Future blog posts won’t include audio versions on YouTube as those never got any views and took as long to make and upload as the text posts did. I thought making audio versions would allow the posts reach a wider audience but that experiment didn’t work out and that’s fine. What goes up here will just stick to here. Even though this blog never gets a lot of views, being able to say the stuff I want to say in this format helps me in its own way. When I look at my cringe fest original posts from back in 2013 and compare them to the recent ones, it’s clear writing so often has been a great boon and that alone makes this place worth maintaining.
So yeah, that’s the current state of Geek Bravado. I should have written this post a long time ago but hopefully those of you that still check in here once in a while will get some more stuff and eventually, you’ll see this integrated as part of my larger content efforts, which will have a snazzy new home soonish. Thanks for continuing to read. This place has never been popular but I never needed it to be either. If you’ve stuck around this long, it’s really appreciated. More coming soon!
2016 pretty much sucked across the board. It sucked for the world, it sucked for humanity and towards the end, it really sucked for my family and I. When it came to video games though, it was actually one of the best years in a while. Despite many of those who would call themselves the “enthusiast press” continuing to dump on their audience and base their opinions of games on identity politics more than quality, gamers got one of the biggest varieties of stuff to play ever in 2016. No matter what kind of gaming experience you like, there’s almost definitely something out there for you. Every year, I like to compile my own top 10 list of the best games I played. Even though I give myself a bit of a cop out with Honourable Mentions, I force myself to do a numbered list for the big ones because it really makes me think hard about what I played and try to quantify my opinions. This year wasn’t easy by any means but that’s definitely a good thing. I also did a YouTube video where I talked about my five biggest indie surprises from my PXA Peeks first impressions series. Only one of those games is on my top 10 but everything in that video is great and worth checking out as well. My taste is principally in mechanics and game play. I’m all for a good story but if your title isn’t a good game first, you’ve already failed at your main job as a designer in my opinion. It’s one of the reasons I have very high standards for so called “walking simulators.” This list is going to reflect that. You’ll also see an overall lack of indie titles on here. The very existence of PXA Peeks should be proof enough that I probably like indie games more than most people but I also love stuff that pushes the limits of technology and which can give me experiences I can immerse myself in for hours at a time. Indie games are a different kind of experience for me and even the good ones often just aren’t as memorable to me. Maybe in the future, I’ll do a separate top 10 just for smaller games, we’ll see. As usual, I’ll start out by discussing my disappointments for the year, listing the games I didn’t get a chance to play but that could have been contenders, the unordered list of Honourable Mentions and the big 10 from last to first. If I did a video or blog review on a particular game, you can click its title to check that out if you want. I’d love to hear what your own favourite games of the year were and if you disagree with my list, why that is. Drop your ideas in the comments and let’s chat! Disappointments Mighty No. 9 – Not the biggest Kickstarter flop in gaming but certainly up there. This was to be a spiritual successor to Mega Man, led by the original creator, Kenji Inafune. Like Double Fine before them, they milked nostalgia to raise way more than they asked for, only to mismanage things to an astonishing degree. It went over its inflated budget, was repeatedly delayed, had a major graphical downgrade and in the end, was at best a frustrating and mediocre platformer that had none of the soul of Mega Man. To boot, they also hired a community manager who frequently banned paying backers from the forums for disagreeing with her politics. A mess through and through and one of the reasons I’m largely done with Kickstarter. Go play 20XX instead. Inside – LIMBO was an incredible debut from Playdead. People were stoked for their follow-up and while the press are gushing over Inside, I thought it was awful. A return to the once hated grey and brown aesthetic, less interesting puzzles and platforming than LIMBO, coupled to a world and story that clearly thought highly of itself but was full of holes, dead ends and is ultimately pointless and unfulfilling. The key set piece moment near the end was amazing but not enough to redeem the rest. I expected better from Playdead. Tom Clancy’s The Division – It’s basically Destiny in a city and sucks for all the same reasons Destiny did. It has all the tropes that I don’t like about MMOs: Bullet spongey enemies, endless grind quests, boring, one-dimensional characters and it insists I play everything multiple times to get the best stuff, even though none of it’s compelling enough. It’s also heavily focused around co-op and doesn’t properly balance to a lack of players, even though the community was all but dried up when I got around to it. It relies on an open-world competitive aspect to keep people in once the story’s been exhausted but it’s just team based looting that was full of cheaters in no time, at least on the PC. I hear the new Survival DLC has made things a lot better but I can’t be bothered to find out. At least for as weak as the story was, it didn’t have its head up its ass like Destiny. Mafia III – The hyper progressive press is loving this because of it’s admittedly admirable take on race relations in the 60s, something we don’t see often from AAA games. While the story, writing and characters are great, it’s a wrapper for the most boring kind of open-world game. Just like Mafia II, you’re given a big city with nothing interesting to do in it, horrible driving mechanics you have to rely on to get around and mushy, frustrating combat. It feels like an open-world game from the early 2000s, despite how many better recent examples they could draw from. A good game story only succeeds if the game itself is good and this one isn’t at all. I love the stories this series tells but it would be better done as just a linear series of missions. Mother Russia Bleeds – All I needed to hear was gory 16-bit graphic style brawler with Devolver Digital involved and I was sold. Unfortunately, the game play is stuck in the same era as the graphics. Mother Russia Bleeds is a deliciously graphic but also short, shallow button masher and tells a simple story with way too many words. I so want the brawler genre to make a return but it needs to evolve and this didn’t. Mirror’s Edge Catalyst – The original Mirror’s Edge was flawed but also fresh, innovative and full of promise. Despite not selling well, we somehow got an open-world sequel. It’s gorgeous and the parkour is as slick as ever but the story is rote and predictable, none of the characters are likable–especially the protagonist Faith–and just like Mafia III, there’s nothing to do but boring challenges that don’t reward you with anything you need. That you start with a third of the character upgrades already unlocked told me all I needed to know about this rushed sequel that did nothing to reward the patience of fans. King’s Quest – This technically started in 2015 but finished this year so I’m including it. I’m an old school fan of Sierra adventure games and the lead up to the rebooted King’s Quest looked like it would be a cool fusion of modern adventure games and Telltale choice-based narrative. The first episode was very promising, then all the ones after it were delayed and almost all bad. The tone flailed wildly between whimsical and intensely dark and the last two episodes are full of frustrating puzzles they are clearly there to pad out a lacking amount of actual story content. On top of that, the epilogue is locked away to anyone who didn’t buy the entire series up front. Even if you bought the season pass after playing the first episode, you can’t get the complete story experience. This series has Activision all over it and it’s the last time I trust them with this formula. A mismanaged insult to modern and old school gamers alike. Didn’t Get To Total War: Warhammer Shadow Warrior 2 Furi Master of Orion Salt & Sanctuary Hyper Light Drifter Firewatch – I’m planning to stream this soon but just couldn’t make it happen before the new year. Let It Die Anything VR – I don’t own VR and won’t for the foreseeable future. Honourable Mentions Battlefield 1 – Anyone claiming this is just a World War I skin on Battlefield 4 is just plain wrong. While it’s certainly no simulation, the game play differences by reverting to a much older period of war are substantial and make this feel like a very different game. At the same time, it’s still just more Battlefield. The War Stories campaign is mostly interesting and quite well done but the meat of the series is still multiplayer. I enjoy it very much but the differences don’t cover up that we’ve definitely seen this before. Overwatch – As they’ve done with other genres, Blizzard redefined the first-person shooter with Overwatch. There’s really nothing else like it right now and it’s full of personality and unique characters that all play vastly different and somehow, all still gel together in almost any combination. The reason it’s not on the top 10 is because there are still major pacing and balance issues that persist to this day which Blizzard gets a pass on because they’re the Apple of gaming. When I have a choice of online shooters to play, this is rarely the first one I go to. Also, this game arguably popularised the trend of single use random loot boxes and screw Blizzard for making this mobile inspired exploitative trend the norm. SUPERHOT – Also known as Super Badass Simulator 2016, at least to me. This is another Kickstarter success story that gives you incredible first-person combat puzzles that you can approach in a ton of different ways and makes you feel like you’re directing your own Hong Kong action film. It’s a game that will keep a grin on your face from beginning to end. Unfortunately, it’s also $30 and the awesomely bonkers story mode is fairly easy and can be beaten in 2 hours. This pretty weak value proposition is why it’s not in the top 10. If you can find this on sale though, absolutely play it. Gears of War 4 – I’ve liked the entire Gears of War series (yes, even Judgment) and new developer The Coalition took the reigns from Epic and did it proud. The campaign maintains the iconic action while also having great new, funny characters, a solid challenge and what is probably the best DirectX 12 title on PC right now. Unfortunately, the competitive multiplayer is the same rolling Gnasher bore it’s always been and the new micro-transaction unlock system took the otherwise gold standard Horde mode and balanced it in favour of spending money. Heavy black marks on what could arguably be the best Gears yet. My Top 10 Games of 2016 As usual, these are great games I think everyone should play if you have the means but if not, this is the order I’d suggest. It was a tough internal fight but I’m feeling good about these choices. 10. Batman: The Telltale Series – I’ve largely been done with the tired and stale Telltale formula for a while. I was going to skip this series, then the first episode was made free so I tried it out. Boy, what a surprise! Sure, they have some core Batman story beats they have to hit but Telltale put their own spin on that to create a compelling, tense and dark tale that’s not like any other Batman arc we’ve seen. There isn’t really much game play here but this is the best Telltale story I’ve seen since The Wolf Among Us. They should still be embarrassed by their engine though. 9. Deus Ex: Mankind Divided – I almost liked this game more just because it got the perpetually outraged in the games press riled up with Mechanical Apartheid and Augs Lives Matter. That aside, it’s an evolution of the exceptional Human Revolution that game before it. It looks gorgeous and is still a great world to experience but it’s also very similar to what came before and has weaker story, writing and diversity of environments. It marketed itself as having a bold and brave tale of oppression and bigotry and only delivered on that in the safest way possible. It’s Breach Mode is also a cool addition but it spends way too much time shoving microtransactions in your face. This is most certainly for Deus Ex fans only but as one of those people, I was very pleased. 8. Halcyon 6: Starbase Commander – Also one of my biggest indie surprises from this year, this is a Canadian Kickstarter success story that combines elements of my favourite game of all-time, Star Control II with Master of Orion, XCOM and spreads a thick layer of JRPG combat with spaceships on top. It requires careful thought, planning and management of resources as you engage in several different kinds of game play and juggle multiple conflicts simultaneously as you try to re-take the galaxy. The systems all gel together great and while you can pause at any time, things are always tense. There’s a ton of value here for its modest price tag and while there is a new Star Control game in the works, this is something very worthy of your time if you’re a fan of that series. 7. Titanfall 2 – Along the the rest of the community, I flamed out on Titanfall 1 so fast, I never thought I’d be interested in a sequel. Boy, was I wrong! Beyond greatly refining the already innovative multiplayer of the first game, Respawn addressed the lack of a campaign by adding one that was apparently thrown together from game play prototypes with a story draped over it but ended up being one of the most fun FPS campaigns I’ve played in the better part of a decade. The movement, verticality and pace of combat is unlike anything else you’ll play and everything just feels so good when it comes together. The reason this isn’t higher up on my list is because the multiplayer matchmaking is completely broken and doesn’t take skill into account, making almost every match a one-sided curbstomping. If they can address that, they’ll have something I’ll keep playing for a long time. It’s a crime that EA shoved this in between Battlefield and Call of Duty. It’s almost like they wanted it to undersell so they could buy Respawn for cheap. Not that I’m into that kind of conspiracy or anything. 6. Dishonored 2 – The first Dishonored was the closest thing we got to a proper successor to the Thief series (no, the latest Thief most certainly doesn’t count.) Dishonored 2 is basically more of that with more toys and a newer engine. In many ways, that’s pretty much all I wanted. You now can play as one of two different characters, each of which have their own sets of powers and abilities. It’s a masterclass in modern level design, with every objective having a huge variety of quiet and loud ways to approach them. You can even choose to play the game without supernatural powers and it still works somehow! Unfortunately, while the world is still as detailed and depressing as ever, the writing and voice acting are a huge step back from the first game and both feel like something more akin to a late 90s or early 2000s game. It’s almost like bringing on someone mostly known for pretentious think-pieces from the games press to help write your game isn’t the way to a great script. Who knew? 5. Watch Dogs 2 – I’m one of the few people who really enjoyed the first Watch Dogs (the game, screw Aiden Pierce.) However, Ubisoft took a lot of the criticisms of that game to heart and addressed them all in Watch Dogs 2. You have a whole new cast of characters, all of whom are ripped straight out of a 90s hacker movie, yet are all still likeable and the setting has moved from a dark and dank Chicago to a bright and vibrant San Francisco, where you go to battle with “Big Data.” While is tackles some very real issues, it doesn’t take itself seriously and that makes things much more lighthearted and fun. Like Dishonored, you also have a wide variety of tools at your disposal, giving you many ways to tackle your objectives and the many side missions you have available, both on and offline. It’s definitely another Ubisoft open world game but their beaten to death formula has definitely made some strides ahead here and it’s one of the most fun open-world games I’ve played in a while. 4. Forza Horizon 3 – This launched rough on the PC where I played it but it’s polished up now and is one of the best open-world racing games I’ve ever played. There isn’t much of a story, just a huge and gorgeous world full of all kinds of cool cars to bomb around in and a total absence of traffic laws. The map is covered with different challenges you can do and this is further complemented by a robust and near seamless online mode. You can spend hours zoned out in the game’s world, just having fun in whatever way you see fit and not having to be concerned with wrecking your car or adhering to rigid rules. Aside from being a lot of fun, it’s just a great way to relax. 3. Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End – The Uncharted formula was getting pretty stale but man, what an ending! Arguably one of the most technically impressive console games ever made, it’s filled to the brim with the series’ top shelf set piece moments and combination of combat and climbing. There are a few levels that even go partially open-world, giving you more of a sense of exploration than you normally get from Uncharted. A lot of time is spent breaking from the action and humanising the characters, giving a fitting send off to their stories. It’s still very much an action series but you actually feel some real emotion for them later on. Naughty Dog clearly learned a lot from The Last of Us and this was a great way to end the Nathan Drake story. 2. HITMAN – After the critical and commercial flop of Hitman: Absolution (a criminally underrated title in my opinion), IO Interactive announced they were rebooting the concept of the series and adopting an episodic business model. No one was expecting this to be good and we were all wrong. It turns out that releasing new missions over time was the perfect way to keep the audience engaged. Not only that, each new episode has tons of extra objectives and ways to complete them, encouraging tons of replayability and getting a lot of attention from the streaming community. They’ve also continued to dole out new timed community assassinations like clockwork and even thrown in some extra missions, mixing up the existing environments. The levels are massive and incredibly detailed and despite the business model, this is a 100% AAA game. The Hitman series has never taken itself particularly seriously but this one in particular, knows exactly what it is and revels in it, which is exactly what it should do. It’s apparently done so well that a second season of content is coming and I can’t wait! 1. DOOM – Speaking of things no one thought would be any good, this game started off after the tepid reception to RAGE, getting completely scrapped and rebooted partway in development. Then they released a multiplayer beta that impressed no one and embargoed reviews until the day of release. Many wondered if the post-ZeniMax id Software had lost the magic that made it the household name is was. The new DOOM’s campaign showed everyone how they got their mojo back. An unapologetically fast, brutal, stupid, technological masterpiece, this game takes everything old-school gamers loved about early 90s first-person shooters, marries it with modern design mechanics and progression, layers on the most hilariously dumb pulp sci-fi story on top and tells you to strap the Hell in. It never takes its foot off the gas, throwing you into battle within the first 15 seconds. From beginning to end, you are a walking machine of apathetic death and destruction, gibbing everything in your path as you try to stop a demonic invasion caused because a corporation was trying to frack Hell. I’m not even kidding. In a world where far too many shooters either take themselves too seriously or worse yet, are stupid without realising it, DOOM knows its story is dumb. It not only doesn’t care, it’s going to ride this insane roller coaster with you and it’s going to make sure you never forget it. It’s both a throwback to shooters of old and yet incredibly refreshing at the same time. Only a few teams could have pulled this off so well and id Software’s still got what it takes to make some of the best shooters in the business. Even if you completely ignore the multiplayer and the innovative SnapMap mode, this is worth full price for the campaign alone. I almost never play games a second time and I have every intention of going through this campaign at least once more on Nightmare mode. It’s that good. I’ve told several people on the fence about it that if you like shooters at all, just buy it, you’ll thank me later. There we have it, a list of what I think is a pretty great bunch of games from a pretty great year for gaming as a whole. Despite how I still, rightfully, take shots at what’s becomes of the games press, it is nice to see that many of these appeared in their lists as well. I still think the disconnect between them and the audience is miles wide but maybe it’s finally starting to improve, maybe. Like many, I’m nervous about what 2017 holds. I’d like to think it’s only uphill from 2016 but the world sure has a way of screwing with us. I hope my fears don’t come to pass and that everyone has a great, prosperous and fun year, filled with even more great games and the great times they bring. Nothing would make me happier! Let me know what your favourite games of the year were and what you’re looking forward to seeing in 2017. Game on!
When I started doing Extra Life in 2011, it was because I saw a few games press people doing it and thought it would be a fun thing for kicks. It was just me alone in my apartment for 24 hours with some donations from co-workers. No live streaming, no stretch goals, no guild I was helping run.
How times have changed.
This year, not only did the Ottawa Extra Life Guild attend almost every geek convention in the city, not only did I have more stretch goals that had the backing of several indie game developers, I organised and live streamed a nearly 20 person LAN party at my work with what I thought was a very high initial goal of raising $2,000USD for CHEO. Not only was it some of the most fun I’ve had in years but that $2,000 goal was completely shattered and we’ve now raised a monumental $4,615USD at time of writing! The total has flown past even my wildest dreams of what we could achieve in our first year as a team and I couldn’t be happier or more proud.
As of now, my own fundraising is at $1,320, which is certainly nothing to sneeze at but it’s also under last year’s total of $1,685. There’s a few reasons for that (more on that later) but there’s still time to donate because Extra Life takes donations until the end of the year! We’ve already crossed one stretch goal, which was my $1,000 one where I now have to play through Syndrome in one live-streamed sitting. It will also be recorded for YouTube but trust me, you’ll want to be there live. That’s probably going to have to wait until December, when my girlfriend will be back in the country and can look after the dog while I’m doing it. Follow @PXAMedia on Twitter or watch this space and I will announce when I have a firm date. I’m very close to my $1,500 stretch goal where I also have to play through Ziggurat in one sitting and we still have tons of time to reach that! With your help, I still can and maybe even surpass last year’s total and if I’m real lucky, get the Grade A IT All-Stars to $5,000! I also have to co-op System Shock 2 with Devon Payette for one of his stretch goals too.
When I put out the call to turn one of our regular LAN parties at my work into a 24 hour marathon for charity, I wasn’t sure what response I’d get. I thought maybe we’d get 10 people interested and we got close to 20. Grade A is a special place. It’s a company full of proud, hardcore nerds, even by the standards of IT companies. However, it’s also a tight-knit group, many of whom are friends outside the office. I see more of that here than I’ve seen at any other place I’ve worked. It’s a culture that’s encouraged and fostered by the management and it’s what makes the place work so well compared to many of its counterparts in the industry. It’s something I’ve always respected but I never understood just how powerful and important it is until I saw this crew playing together to support a great cause, with Devon and his friend from CHEO at our side like they were part of the crew, even though they only met most of us that day. It was almost surreal and something that gave me pause several times.
There are so many people to thank. Aside from every member of the team, I wanted to give shoutouts to some extra awesome individuals. Monica, one of our finance people–who’s only been with Grade A for a few months–was not only on the team and raised a ton of money but she and her chef fiancé offered to feed us for the entire day if we just gave her $20 each for the materials. And this wasn’t the kind of crappy food you normally would eat at a LAN party, it was top shelf stuff for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. We were fed like kings and it made the marathon so much easier to get through. We would have made it through either way but she went way above and beyond and she’s a hero for that. I also wanted to thank Kevin, one of our network people, for donating his GoPro Hero 3, which allowed us to have a continuous shot of the room on the live stream. That really helped convey how much of a group effort it was.
Michaela, our wonderful marketing person, also deserves major props. She not only pushed our event hard on the company’s social media, she gave me control of Grade A’s Twitter account for the whole event to keep the stream promoted. I never asked her to do that, she just offered it to me. To trust me, a guy who hasn’t even been there a year, with something so valuable to the corporate brand was a great compliment and it was a great help to our efforts.
I also wanted to give a shout out to our various co-workers who weren’t registered with the team but still came by and hung out. Some brought their PCs and played with us for a while, some just came in and shot the breeze with us. One of the owners also came by with his kids and they seemed really amazed by the whole thing. It was really cool to see these people who weren’t doing the event still take the time to come in, hang out and give us a morale boost. Like I said, Grade A is a special place.
Last but not least, I want to thank my various cohorts from the Ottawa Extra Life Guild and Olenka Bastian, our wonderful representative at the CHEO Foundation. This was the second year of the guild and boy, how far we’ve come. The first year, we were trying to find our feet and kind of flailing around a bit. This year, we had more people involved, attended nearly every geek show in the city, signed up a pile of new players, did a second Extra Life marathon on the CHEO Telethon set, had a segment on a major local morning show and helped give Devon a gaming PC. It was an enormous achievement and while we still have more to do, we are off to a great start and are doing it with a great team. It’s been my honour and privilege to help start this guild with you all and I hope we can continue it for a long time yet.
Every year, I also vent a couple of criticisms about how the event went for me and while they are few this year, they’re still worth airing. I was very disappointed how just like Twitch and YouTube do, the official Extra Life communications only promoted events that were already massively popular and had easy ways to reach a large audience. These places didn’t need the help and meanwhile, smaller events like ours were begging just for retweets and never got them. Promoting what’s already popular is backwards and not how you get sustainable growth. I’ve already told them this and they claim they’re passing it on which is something.
I’m also really disappointed in several media outlets I contacted, particularly the CBC. CTV Ottawa has been a big supporter of us, between the telethon and our segment on their morning show. However, I sent numerous e-mails and tweets to the CBC and various personalities about Extra Life, as it’s the perfect kind of local charity event they like to cover. I got zero response. Not even one declining because they thought CTV had it covered, silence. For a public broadcaster (one I’ve vocally defended for years) to completely shun a local charity like this is profoundly disappointing. I’ve had some real issues–particularly in the last year–with the direction of some of CBC’s programming and how they’re devoting an incredible amount of attention to a narrow set of issues, at the expense of everything else. I have to say, I’m really reconsidering how much I advocate for that organisation in the future.
I had a similar thing happen with several local businesses I approached for support. These are companies that either myself, Grade A, or both, have brought a lot of business to and I wasn’t some random person, they knew who I was. Once again, I got nothing from them, not even a no. Donating to charity is a personal choice and I wouldn’t fault anyone for deciding that Extra Life wasn’t something they wanted to back. But at least send a response saying you’re not interested, don’t just ignore people who reached out. Maybe I’m too old school with how I think communication should be handled but this really got under my skin. Thankfully, we did great without them.
Beyond these things that are fairly minor in the grand scheme, almost everything about Extra Life this year vastly exceeded my expectations. I’m so proud of what the Grade A IT All-Stars accomplished and it was an honour and a privilege to have had the chance to do this with everyone.
We sadly live in a time where the mainstream media and in particular, the gaming press that’s supposed to advocate for us, have made a business model out of telling gamers how they’re bad, hateful, exclusionary people because of the actions of a few. I wonder how many of the so-called “journalists” that are poisoning the enthusiast press raised for sick kids this weekend because gamers like us, we collectively raised millions. If I’m to choose between those people or a bunch of third-rate bloggers who have made a business out of outrage when asking who did more good for the world, I think that choice is plainly obvious.
I’m a very introverted person who has few friends and doesn’t make new ones easily or often. I’ve only been at Grade A since March but it feels like somewhere I’ve been for years and it’s because of the people there. As the company continues to grow like wildfire, hold onto that culture with both hands and don’t ever lose sight of what makes that place amazing. It’s the single biggest asset the place has. Those people, they aren’t just my co-workers, they’re my friends and it’s an incredible thing to be able to do so much good with them.